The year I stopped pretending

I was very good at being fine. I could do fine for months at a time. I had the answer ready before anyone finished asking — good, busy, you know how it is.

I started coming early because the room was empty. That was the appeal. I could sit down before it filled up and not have to do the thing where you arrange your face.

One morning a woman who volunteers on the welcome team sat a few seats down and asked how I was. I said fine. And then she asked again.

Somebody asked me a second time. That is the whole story, really.

I did not fall apart on her or anything dramatic. I said something closer to the truth than I had said out loud in about two years, and she did not fix it or tell me a verse. She just said that sounded hard, and asked if I wanted to get coffee that week.

I said yes, which surprised me.

It has been a year. I am in a group now with five women who know the real answer to how I am, and I have said the actual thing out loud enough times that it has stopped being a big deal to say it.

I still get here early. Different reason now.